Trials May Come
I was wondering whether to post to this part of my website or put it under my general blog section. Since what I am dealing with today is aftermath of the procedure to halt MS, I decided that this is part of my journey. I hope it will inspire you in some way. Friends, its not always easy. Don’t you love reading the stories of people that had HSCT and they have a complete 180? It is definately inspiring and would make most people that have been diagnosed with MS move to find a doctor that will help them proceed with this treatment (dare I say, “Cure”).
Last year was a little rough. The insurance I had was not as good as what I had previously so keeping my appointments was a challenge. I only saw my neurologist once in May of 2023 and that visit did not include an MRI. Since everything was about the same and I had no new symptoms, we agreed that there was no new activity. When November rolled around (thats when I should have had an MRI), I was unable to obtain clearance for an MRI. When January of 2024 came, new plan, new insurance, I was able to get back on my regular check up schedule. But in the fall, even though no new symptoms came, I felt like my existing symptoms were getting worse. My walking is no longer effortless, and I am usually in pain most days. But these symptoms really didn’t remind me of MS. It mimmicks an old back injury. In May I returned to Cleveland Clinic for my follow up and an MRI. This MRI was very stressful. I wanted to know what was going on but I also didn’t want to find out that the monster had returned. The hours following my MRI seems like the longest year. Two hours later, while Mom znd I was at Kohl’s, I was sitting in a chair while she shopped and I got a notification. “You have new test results available. Log into MyChart or visit the website to view the results.” With reluctance but having some anxiety, I opened the app to read the results. My MRI was unchanged. No new or active lesions! I was so grateful and I tried not to have a breakdown in the store. But why am I struggling? Why do I feel like everything is an effort? Why is there so much pain? I still don’t have the answers to these questions but I’m trusting that God has a plan.
Last week our church had a kids event. We don’t call it VBS but to some it may seem like VBS. It was great to share Jesus with our students and have some connect time to grow together. After the event was over, I was exhausted but it’s always worth it. This past Monday I had a second MRI but this time it was of my entire spine. It was a long MRI. I had a lot of time to think and reflect. As I was laying there I was reflecting on the past week. Remembering all of the smiles and conversations. Remembering the fun worship music and watching all of the students participate. Laughing about the games that we played. Then I had a lump in my throat. I started thinking about all of the fun times in Ministry before I was diagnosed with MS. Life was certainly different. I really thought that things would be better by now with my physical health. I know MS did a lot of damage and I certainly am not getting any younger. I miss the things I can’t do anymore. I can’t run with the students. I can’t stand for long periods of time. I don’t move as quickly or as smoothly as I once did. It’s hard to tell a student that you can’t chase them or play certain games or activities. On a good note, we enjoy our time together anyway. It’s just hard sometimes.
I find encouragement listening to my “Jesus Music”. Recently I heard a song by Matthew West called “Don’t Stop Praying”. It says this…
What's your impossible? Your "I need a miracle"
What's got you barely hanging by a single thread?
What looks so hopeless now? What weighs down your heart with doubt?
You beg for a breakthrough, but no sign of breakthrough yet
When you've cried, and you've cried 'til your tears run dry
The answer won't come, and you don't know why
And you wonder if you can bow your head even one more time
Don’t Stop Praying
Every day Matthew, every day. It’s been 8 years since my diagnosis and 3.5 years since the disease was ended. I try to stay encouraged in the fact that the disease will not progress but I still struggle when I have pain, difficulty walking, and sleepless nights. Its hard when you can’t do the things that you once did effortlessly. I start thinking about Mark, chapter 5 where we hear about the crowds pressing in on Jesus. There is a woman trying desperately to catch up to Jesus. She doesn’t need his attention she only needs to touch the hem of his garment. This woman has a disease that is causing her to blead for the last 12 years. She has seen all of the physicians. She has spent a lot of money trying to find a cure but none of them are working. Finally she sees an opportunity to slip through the crowd and she is able to touch the hem of His garment. She immediately knows that she has been healed. The bleeding has stopped. Jesus feels the power leave Him. Although He knows who touched His garment, He asks, “Who touched my garments?” Eventually, she confesses and she is grateful.
Sometimes I think like this woman. If I can only get Him for a second. I know he can fix me. Don’t doubt my words. I totally trust that Jesus knows exactly how I feel and every tear is important to Him. Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. This woman waited 12 years and here I sit complaining about 3.5 years. Forgive me for my impatience. Nerves, if they heal, take a long time to heal. I will continue to give my body what I can to encourage this vessel to repair itself. I will not stop praying and asking for healing because I know He can. He did it once with the doctors and hospital. I know He can do it again. I remain grateful.
