What’s Missing?
Yes, I started this post the day after Christmas and I was not really happy with the message. I felt like I was missing something so I waited. Originally I was talking about how sad it was that it was just one day after Christmas and my step-mom was already boxing up the Christmas decor’. I also mentioned the kindness of some individuals at Costco while I was trying to handle a 3.3 cubic foot refrigerator. It was nice to see some kindness during a busy, last minute, shopping day.
Today is the last day of 2021 and I am completely going another direction with this post. This morning I woke up to a Facebook notification that stated that I may have missed a video from Tauren Wells. I gladly clicked on it because his posts and videos are usually very encouraging.
Over the last year, I have had some great progress with my recovery from HSCT (click on My Journey above to read more about that) but honestly I have had a lot of struggles trying to adapt to everyday living. When I became the first patient at the Cleveland Clinic to halt MS, I was very confident (even when I had doubts) that God was fighting the battle and in the end, I would no longer have any disease activity. And to this very day, I do not have any disease activity. Each day is a day of recovery instead a day of worry about being disabled because of the disease. But the one thing I did not expect to happen was a spiritual change and a different perspective about life. I am grateful for all that God has done through this journey and I try my very best to hold onto every thing that I have learned through my experiences on this trek.
Up to this point, I am sure you are thinking - this is great DeWayne, God has done great things -! And I would be the first to agree with you. Now for the “BUT”. But, over the last few months I have found that getting back to “normal” has been challenging. I wish I could help people understand what is going on inside my brain but I find it hard to describe that too. This continual frustration of trying to figure it out has caused me to be impatient and sometimes angry. So I started doing some research and was reminded that when you have intense Chemotherapy it can cause mood changes. This can be caused from the Chemotherapy itself but also lack of sleep and the stress that is put on your body can cause these changes. This mood change can even last after the chemo is stopped. I admit that I could have done a better job taking care of my body after the procedure but I feel like I have failed on that part. These frustrations at times have caused me to be angry and exhausted. There are times I just want to press a reset button and make all of these frustrations go away. Maybe a new environment would help? Maybe a career change would be good? Maybe making some drastic life changes would be the way to go? My heart is hurting as I type these questions and think about my frustrations.
But, God knows my every thought and He was there this morning giving me the hope that I needed. This video post by Tauren Wells explained exactly what was going on with me. I remember a time when my passion was on fire for Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I DO LOVE JESUS but I don’t have the fire I once had. I did have a brief few months during and after my procedure that the fire had started again. But over time and being in a weird spot with my life, I don’t have the passion that I once had. I really want these frustrations to stop. I want this spiritual change in my life to reflect love for people and give me clarity on what Jesus wants for my life. I want to join Tauren in his prayer for all of us in 2022. And if you have lost that love, today is the day to ask for forgiveness and to also forgive yourself and move toward that first love for Jesus.
So I seek forgiveness for being short and for transferring my frustrations to people I come in contact with. I seek forgiveness for not being the light that I desire to be and that God wants me to be. I desire to be “unoffendable” and lead people to Jesus.
Have you lost that first love as described in the book of Revelations 2:1-7?
What is God telling you?
What are you changing for the new year?
How will this change grow your relationship with Christ or maybe start your relationship with Him?
How will this change help you be a light to others?
Until next year, make it a great day and may you be encouraged today.
