Doubt or Unworthy- Neither
I have really struggled with what to write in this blog. The last time I posted was October 27,2020 just two days before I received my stem cells for my body to use to build a new immune system. Today I am 79 days post transplant and I am going great! I still just can’t believe that the progression of the MS has been halted. Not a day goes by that I am not thanking God for what He has done. My prayer is that I never forget to celebrate His provision.
If you have been following my blog or keeping track of me on Facebook, you may have seen post where I talk about days of struggling with doubt. I would find myself constantly questioning what was happening as I received every approval or denial, as I made it through another day of chemo, as I received another blood test result that would show how quickly my immune system was rebuilding itself. I would question myself when I would have a symptom from my MS return, thinking that the procedure that I was going through was not working. But in my spirit I kept reminding myself how far God had brought me, even friends would send me a word of encouragement that reminded me that God was still at work (even when I couldn’t see it). Why then was I having these feelings? Even after I returned home on December 12th, I would find myself doubting what had taken place. Then I would analyze those thoughts and I would find myself reminding myself of God’s promises and the many things He had done throughout 2020. So if there were so many events that happened and God brought me through them, why was I still having these thoughts?
A couple of weeks ago after receiving some good news from one of my blood tests, my Grandmother called to ask about them and to find out how I was doing. As we talked I was sharing with her that I felt like I kept struggling with doubt but, in my heart I knew what I believed. I know that none of this would have happened if God would not have done it. Every hurdle, every no, every closed door God was there and He made a way. Then she made a statement that explained what was truly going on in my heart. It wasn’t that I was doubting God or the people that He had surrounded me with while I was at Cleveland Clinic. It was my love and compassion for people that are also struggling with impossible situations every day. How am I worthy to receive this treatment to halt my disease when there are so many in need of healing and help in this world? What I do know is that Bible teaches us to pray. It shows God’s love for all people in all situations. I don’t believe that he wants anyone to suffer or go through this live with a disease. In James 5 it tells us to how to pray when we are sick but, why does God heal some and not others? I know my personal experience with having a disabling disease. I know that from day one, I prayed for God to heal my heal my body of the disease. As time went on my prayer changed and I asked God to point me in the right direction to help me manage the disease without taking a bunch of medication or following something that wasn’t proven. As time went on, He continued to put people in my life that helped me manage the disease and guide me to the #2 hospital (Mayo Clinic is considered #1) in our nation. From the time I was diagnosed in 2016, I struggled with medical relationships (Doctor-Patient). Then on January 13, 2020 I was given the opportunity to see Dr. Cohen, head of neurology at the Cleveland Clinic. He was the most knowledgeable and compassionate man I ever met. He listened. He was slow to speak. We came up with a plan together. Then on August 4,2020 I received a phone call that would change my life. I was approved for HSCT to halt multiple sclerosis. After months of treatment, my MRI on December 9,2020 confirmed that there was no disease activity and no new activity or lesions. Praise God for His provisions!
I don’t share this to have you believe that I am any more deserving than anyone else. I don’t know why God heals some while on this earth and not others. I know that I will never say that I wish I did not have MS. If that suffering did not happen, I would not have grown closer to God. There are many people that I may have never gotten the opportunity to see, speak to, or encourage. And that disease may have damaged this body but, it made me a better person. Maybe just maybe having this disease was exactly what I needed to love God and love people even more. I know I look at things much differently.
If you are struggling with an impossible, you are worthy of God’s love. Don’t doubt His plans.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.”- John 15:9
“You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.”- Isaiah 43:4
“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”- Luke 12:6-7
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”- Proverbs 3:5-6
10/31/2020 2 days post transplant at The Cleveland Clinic
